Saturday, January 8, 2011

Willpower and Guilt

"Cultivate will power, that massive creative force that God the creator built into you. Do not let it remain flabby but strengthen it by use and exercise."

"Have absolutely no sense of guilt about being happy and successful if you operate honestly and with a sense of social responsibility."
-Positive Thinking Every Day by Norman Vincent Peale

Yes, I want a cookie. I also want a big house, a dog and a sexy body. I want beauty, success and peace of mind. But I really want a cookie.

Needs are a different animal, though, aren't they? I need to eat healthy and exercise. I need a roof over my head and a place to sleep. I need to be hygienic and to cover my bills. I need to think positive so that my worries don't corrode my well being and to avoid developing ulcers.

How does one achieve these basics when it seems like everything is in your way? How do you reconcile your needs with your desires? No, I don't need a new car or liposuction or excessive makeup or a personal assistant or fame or fortune or any of that self-serving drivel.

I want it, though.

I want the whole stupid storybook. A house with a yard and a dog. A husband, a child or two and love. Wondrous success and extra money. Travel and fame and free time and doting and unconditional forgiveness... I want it all.

The biggest problem that I seem to run into with all of this, is that I feel supremely guilty about the whole thing.

Yes, I want a cookie, but I have to justify that I did good enough to deserve a cookie. Sometimes this feeling multiplies and roils in my stomach until I start to wonder if I deserve food at all. Then I get overly hungry or irritable or my hypoglycemia kicks in and then I overeat. Which makes the whole process that much more raw and emotional.

Do I deserve to be happy? What makes me happy in the first place? Why?

Until I can let go of the guilt, I don't know if I can be truly happy. I'm working on it, but its difficult when a lack of will power is paired with deep guilt. I want to be better, but I don't know what to do except for practicing everyday with little things.

Only one cookie. Let the past go. Prepare for the future, but don't mourn for futures that have not come to pass. Take joy in simplicity and do not harbor guilt over things that cannot be changed or on successes that others have not shared.

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